Epiphany

I did have my appointment this last week. I think it was a good appointment, but it really became more of a counseling session. Some of these things are going to sound strange, but of course it is all too real for me.

My number one struggle is the fact that I am going to recover and live. I know that should be a good thing and it is, but I have been living with the unknown for so long that I had convinced myself that I was only buying my time until someone found out that I was truly dying. I had spent many night thinking about my kid’s future without me. Not happy thoughts. Not that I wanted to die, I am just one of those people that have to play out every possibility. I did not plan my funeral or write a list of things I wanted my children to know or anything like that, yet. I just really believe in my heart of hearts that this was going to win. Now I know that I will die eventually, but in all likelihood it will not be soon or be from the Lyme. I am still slated to make a full recovery, hopefully with few as few setbacks as possible. I was not really looking past the end of my nose. I was not looking to the future. Now I have to change my perspective stop thinking about the end and start living. I was so consumed with the here and now I did not have time or energy to realize I even had a future. It is truly overwhelming and daunting. I am just trying to put things back together day by day.

The second thing I realized and this is the hardest for me is that my older kids have been without a complete mom for over 5 years. I went down with J’s pregnancy and never really got back up. My children have been fixing their own breakfast and lunches for years and have fed the little guys too. They have not eaten the healthiest, because I did not have time to model or teach them how. Now I think they are paying the price with their health. Now we are trying to pick up those pieces. The task is overwhelming at times. I try not to let the guilt set in. I know that this was not my fault or my choosing. I have to trust that Heavenly Father was watching over them when I could not. I am trusting that He is going to keep it up while I sort this all out. I really would rather him be in charge then me. I am sure he knows what he is doing. Unlike me who is still pretty clueless ;-))

I did get the neurotransmitter test results. I must have been in bad shape when we started. I have been taking GABA supplements since my first ND visit. My levels are still low. We added another tablet and that has helped. I also started yet another supplement to lower glutamate. I just know the name. I don’t really know what it does. Between the two I feel pretty good. I don’t have to spend the day constantly trying to stay calm and not freak out over the littlest things.

She also changed my enzyme to one that is more efficient and aggressive. I have to taper into it. I am hoping for it to just do its thing without feeling the need to include the rest of me. I can at least hope.