I feel broken. I wasn’t born broken. But somehow I have ended up feeling that way lately. When I tore my rotators cuff, my dad and I started joking that he should have bought the extended warranty on all my parts. Imagine if we all came with a guarantee against defective parts. We actually do…It is called the resurrections. Nice to know this part is not forever.
My diet seems to matter. Right now besides making sure I don’t miss any of my supplements, eating right seems to be the thing that can tip the scales as to how bad I can feel. Here is why I have such a hard time staying better. This week I have been eating perfectly. I have not fudged one bit. If I have not made it from scratch, I have scoured the label of ingredients. Nothing on the forbidden list has hit my lips. The problem with me feeling better is that I cannot remember how awful I felt. It is the craziest thing. I have kept several different health journals over this whole thing and the same thing keeps happening. When I feel bad I write just how bad I feel both physically and emotionally, so I will remember. On days I feel good I will look back at the days that I felt really bad. I will convince myself that it really was not that bad. Without fail I do it every time. I know I do it and I still can’t stop myself. This is going to be the hardest part of eating healthy. So I sabotage myself. Here is a perfect example. Friday I felt good. I had to cook some brunch casseroles. They had milk and cheese in them. Not too much and there were other ingredients. It smelled so good and I had waited too long to eat so I was hungry. They were warm and ready. I ate some. OH it was soooo good. I felt fine afterwards. I had lots of extra casserole so I fed it to the family for dinner. Of course I ate a little bit more with my dinner. It was a nice change of pace. I have a delay from mouth to results. It is about 24 hours. Sure enough, I began to start feeling yucky tonight. The pattern just keeps repeating. I know it keep repeating. I just can’t seem to stop it.
Right now food is not my friend. What do I cook? What can I eat? What actually sounds good to eat? Meanwhile my kids are munching on fruit, chips, bagels, sandwiches, breakfast cereal. I can sit for hours on the internet just looking at recipes. It would be easy if I was just avoiding gluten, or dairy. Adding fruit and sugar into the mix changes everything. If I do the strict Candida diet, then I am not eating yeast or vinegar either. I always get the response, then what is left? Tonight I agree, not much. I know that is not true. There really is lots, they are just not grab and go.
That is my pity party for the night. I don’t feel good and it feels self-inflicted although in the real world a little cheese and milk should not make me feel so awful. It never did before… Maybe someday it won’t bother me in this crazy way. I can only hope.
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